When Kathy and Dale
Bissette first married,
they were so young and
so strapped for cash that their
wedding party could have been
mistaken for dinner with the family.
Their guest list was limited to
seven relatives - mothers, aunts
and siblings. What a difference 20
years of married life and savings in
the bank made when the Bissettes
renewed their wedding vows.
"We wanted the whole shebang:
white wedding gown, big church,
big limo, caterers and flowers.
There were over 200 guests," says
Kathy Bissette, who lives in
Phoenix.
The extravaganza, which went
on for a full week, cost "well over
$15,000" and included visits from
out-of-town friends, backyard
barbecues and a whirlwind of
activities.
"We wanted it all. I didn't want
to half-step it," Bissette says.
Although there are few statistics
to confirm it, wedding experts say
they're getting more requests for
vow-renewal events. A yearning
for strong family ties and the aftershock
of September 11 motivates
couples to re-affirm their love, say
the marriage pros.
The spiritual component, which
many couples weave into their
renewal ceremonies, pleases
Rabbi Jamie Korngold. "What I
love about the renewal of vows is
that it's about the marriage," says
Rabbi Korngold of Boulder, Colo.
"The wedding is about who
should be invited and the napkins
and the flowers. It's a struggle to
get a couple to think about the
marriage. In a renewal of vows,
the couple thinks about their
marriage," says the rabbi.
"Some couples will go through
sessions with their rabbi and look
at their goals for the future of their
marriage. It's like getting the
50,000-mile tune-up on the car
and feeling good about it. That's
how couples feel coming out of this
[the vow-renewal] experience,"
says Rabbi Korngold.
She sometimes sees couples at
their 10th or 15th anniversary.
Then the vow renewal is a road
check, rather than a golden
wedding commemoration.
The Bissettes decided at their
15th anniversary to renew their
vows after 20 years of marriage
because they wanted to do so while
they had the energy for all the
planning involved.
Traditionally, couples renew
their vows at significant anniversary
dates, such as the 30th or the
50th. Then it becomes a celebration
of a marriage that works, says
Rev. Dr. David Glusker, minister of
the First Radio Parish Church in
Portland, Maine.
"When you commit at age 22 or
26, you're a different person from
30 years later. It's a new commitment,"
says Rev. Glusker.
Although some couples ask their
religious leader to preside over the
ceremony, a renewal shouldn't be
confused with a wedding, says the
minister. The language and intent
are different. "Instead of saying
you're 'taking' the person, you say
'once again I commit myself to you
as my wedded wife,'" he says.
According to Rev. Glusker, most
couples aren't comfortable
creating their own language for
commitment. He included wedding
renewal vows in his book, "Words
for Your Wedding: The Wedding
Service Book" (Harper San
Francisco, 1994).
A handbook for Reform rabbis
also includes a renewal ceremony
with appropriate prayers. Couples
considering the experience can get
recommendations from their
religious leaders as well.
