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ON THE COVER

So, you've hashed out the buffet and gotten a handle on fl owers. And while those details are important when it comes to a successful wedding, you can't forget about the things you need to discuss to ensure a successful marriage. "Just because you love someone doesn't mean you'll love your life together," says Susan Piver, author of The Hard Questions, 100 Essential Questions to Ask Before You Say I Do.

And that's why it's so important to talk about the issues that-for better or for worse- become a part of every marriage.

Of course, you don't have to agree about everything-the fact that he loves horror flicks and you tear up at romantic comedies is not going to do you in as a couple-but you do need to be able to talk about things that you didn't have to deal with when you were just dating. We've rounded up five of the most important topics to address before you tie the knot. But remember, the goal is not to agree, it's to get to know each other better. When you ask personal (and sometimes hard) questions, you build intimacy, even if you disagree with what's on the table. Talking openly creates room for all kinds of feelings-anger, hurt, happiness, sadness-and making room for each other's feelings is what a good marriage is all about.

Children
It sounds obvious, but you'd be surprised how many people don't know where their partners stand on the subject of children. It's the most important thing to talk about before you get married. "People often assume their partners want children," says Piver, "when many times their partners aren't sure." When it comes to having a family, or not, there's no right or wrong, but you're not being fair to your partner if you're not upfront about where you stand. And you're certainly not doing yourself any favors by assuming your partner wants what you do.

If you agree that you want kids, the next question to ask is "When?" While you don't have to make a rigid plan for the rest of your life, it helps to know what your partner is thinking. If one person is feeling she wants kids right away and the other is thinking, "I see us having kids in 10 years," you need to come to a compromise and talking is the way to do it.

The point of discussing the "ifs" and "whens" isn't to make a firm plan that has to last the rest of your life, it's to get to know each other better and see how your lives mesh. Things change-you may think you want a baby right after you tie the knot, but then the career opportunity of a lifetime falls into your lap. Suddenly, midnight feedings and diaper changings don't sound as appealing. You can always change your mind about when to have a child-and so can your husband-but you should have a general sense of where each of you stands overall. Being taken by surprise on such a life-altering issue is no way to begin your life together.

Money
It's in the papers, on talk shows, and in magazines, so surely it comes as no surprise that money is one of the leading reasons that married couples decide to call it quits. So it only makes sense that you talk about money before you get married. What's to talk about? The lifestyle you each expect and how you expect to achieve it, for starters. If he pictures himself living in a humble cabin in the woods, and you need a McMansion on a cul de sac with a Mercedes in the driveway, you're envisioning very different things.

"Money is the number one cause of stress in a marriage," says Marie Laguerre- Lewis, a relationship coach in Mamaroneck, New York. "And it's tough to talk about. It's hard to say, 'I defaulted on four credit cards,' but you need to discuss finances because you need to know who the person you're marrying is."

Will you keep your money together or separate? If you're getting married right out of college, it's probably not such a big deal, since most graduates don't have a lot of money to divvy up. But for couples getting married in their late 20's and 30's, you need to think about how much you're willing to share. Lisa and Steve Leshinski, of Collingswood, New Jersey, talked a great deal about finances before they tied the knot last March. In fact, Steve says that, for him, the biggest difference in being a couple who dates to being a couple who's married is having one shared bank account. "I keep an almost daily budget, so the idea of having one account is very new for me. It involves a lot of trust in your partner. It has been a process deciding how we want to handle our money. We started thinking we'd have one joint account that we'd chip into and then each have our own personal account," he says, "but as the meaning of shared finances has emerged-as we've talked more about what money means to us-it's become more important to have one account to truly share our lives."

Lisa, who, by the way, is the family breadwinner, adds "We've spent a lot of time talking about how to handle our money. Now, I feel like if I make a purchase I have to talk to Steve about it, whereas before I've been known to buy a car on the spur of the moment. I'm okay with it, but I know it's different."

Who will pay the household bills? Who will keep the budget? Is there an amount you need to discuss with each other before you spend it? These are all worth fl ushing out to understand each other better. "When I got married, I wanted to keep our money separate, but my husband wanted to keep it together," says Piver. "I thought we'd have three accounts, and then my husband said, 'Susan, are you in this marriage or not?' He saw money as a sign of commitment, and his concerns outweighed mine. There's a lot of symbolism around money. You need to understand what it means to your partner."

Spiritual Beliefs
These days, many couples don't share the same religion-and many see religion as a low priority when they're single. But you'd be surprised just how "religious" people get when it comes to getting married-suddenly a laidback Catholic can only get married in a church, or a non-practicing Jew needs a ceremony that includes a rabbi. And if you have kids, religion will become even more of an issue, which is precisely why you need to discuss it now.

There are many questions to ask, but start with the basics: Will we have religion? What holidays will we celebrate? And with whom? "Each person may have an assumption," says Piver, "and that assumption may be a complete surprise to the other one." (Of course, we'll spend Christmas with my family.)

According to Piver, the questions become more important the older you get. Life changes and spiritual beliefs become more important. "If you have a way of talking about them now," says Piver, "it will help you as time goes on."

When you have kids, spiritual beliefs get more confusing. And so do cultural expectations. "There are so many crosscultural marriages today," says Laguerre-Lewis, "when you bring kids into the mix, it brings into sharp focus how people feel about cultural traditions." Everyone has expectations for the way their children will be raised regarding religion and culture.

Adds Piver, "To think you're going to let your kids decide is very na•ve."

Work
Work presents lots of confl icts for couples, be it the partner who complains he doesn't make enough money or the woman who doesn't want to stay home with the kids. How comfortable are you with each other's sense of ambition? You may think your husband will always want to forge ahead on his career track, but that may not be the case. Or you may find that your husband is more driven than you thought, and you're left alone at home more often than you'd like. At some point you may plan to quit your job and stay home with children while your husband may have expectations of two high-paying incomes.

Marriage isn't just about living with a partner's sense of ambition; it's about compensating for it. One partner may have to go back to work, another may have to stay home. Work very much affects your lifestyle, so it's good to gauge where you each see-and support-the other person when it comes to work. "Is it OK for your husband to follow his passion if it leads to a big pay-cut?" asks Laguerre-Lewis. "These kinds of discussions get scarier after you're married, so it's important to start on them now."

Talking about work also brings a higher appreciation of what each partner does during the day. Often, we don't see our partners at work, so when Mom is home with the laundry and the rowdy kids, she may resent the image she has of Dad wining and dining clients at fancy business lunches. This can create obvious tensions, but talking and learning about what the other battles during the workday can help you appreciate what the other is doing for the sake of the family.

Again, different expectations aren't dealbreakers, but discovering them now lets you know each other on various levels and even makes it easier to talk about them again should things change. "Saying things like, 'I want to revisit that subject,' is a good habit to develop," says Piver.

Friends and Family
Every Thursday night, he goes out until all hours drinking with the boys. Think that will change once you get married? It could, but chances are that change is more likely if you voice how you feel about his gallivanting. In fact, asking about the kinds of relationships you expect to have with those who are close to you-parents, step-parents, siblings, nieces, nephews, and friends-is paramount.

Do you get along with his friends? Does he get along with yours? It's important to know how important friends are to your partner. Does it bother him when you just want a night out with the girls? Is he free to spend time with the guys without hurting your feelings? And the same questions apply to family.

"My husband is a cyclist," says Laguerre- Lewis. "That means I have to be understanding that he's going to cycle a few hours a day on the weekends. While this works for us, for some couples things that are OK when you're dating aren't always OK when you're married."

"When you're dating, it's the two of you.

When you get married, your world expands to include family in a whole new way," says Piver.

It's important to know where your partner stands on daily visits from mom and dad or holidays at the in-laws. Ask each other, "What do you appreciate about my family?" "What do you find difficult?" And really listen to your partner's answers. As Piver says, "These are things that people tend to act out about later.

It's better to talk in peace."

Tips on Talking
Once you know what to talk about, you need to know how to talk. These discussion tips can help you and your partner tackle tough questions with ease-and build a foundation to open doors of communication.

Listen without interrupting. The goal of talking is to get to know how your partner thinks and feels. Don't try to temper what he's saying, just learn from it. You'll have a chance to respond later.

Think about your answers before you respond to a question. Consider your own answers before you respond. Don't think about what your fiance wants you to say, or what would make your parents proud. Think about how you really feel about something. After all, this is a chance for your fiance to get to know you, too.

Keep the conversation going. One question often leads to another, don't be afraid to ask the next logical thing.

Avoid ultimatums. You can talk constructively as long as you don't give ultimatums. You can be very clear that you feel differently and still allow the conversation to continue. But when you issue an ultimatum, you cut off the ties to communication.

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