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ON THE COVER

On the day my husband proposed I called all of my closest friends to tell them the fabulous news. One by one they all cheered with enthusiasm and congratulated me with ease. When I called Wendy*, a close friend from college, who I was hoping would be a bridesmaid, I got her machine.

"Wendy, it's Erica. I have some exciting news. Call me," I said, with a hint of "wedding bells" in my voice.

She had to know what it was about.

A week went by, then two, then three-no word from Wendy. I called again, I sent e-mails, and eventually a mutual friend told her that I was engaged and she should call me. Still nothing. I didn't know what to think.

As a bride you know time is crucial when planning a wedding, so I had to move forward with my plans-I had to select my bridesmaids. I called eight girls, all who mean the world to me, and eight girls said yes-unfortunately none of them were Wendy. But my "bridal instincts" told me that if she didn't even call to say congratulations, she probably wouldn't be a good bridesmaid.

Months into the preparations-my head whirling with anticipation-I heard something that shocked me. Wendy had been discussing my wedding with mutual friends and told them she was going to be a bridesmaid.

Interesting, I thought.

Concerned by this news, I called Wendy and finally got a voice on the other end of the phone. We talked for a few moments and then I brought up the inevitable, "Umm, why did you tell Veronica that you are a bridesmaid in my wedding?"

"Well, because I am," she responded with confidence.

"No you aren't. I never asked you."

"Yes you did! In a group e-mail you sent, you said you set a date and that we'd be looking for dresses soon."

In that e-mail, which I sent to about 20 friends, nowhere did I say, "Wendy, would you be a bridesmaid?" It was just a general email telling friends that we had set a date and what our "planning status" was. Wendy had taken it as an invitation to be a bridesmaid.

I tried to explain this to her, and got nothing but accusations of being a bad friend and liar.

When I asked her why she didn't try to contact me after I called and emailed her several times, she skirted around the issue and never gave me a straight answer: "Well, I was busy with work and then I went on vacation and thenÉ" I told her that if she had called me then I would have definitely asked her to be a bridesmaid because we are close friends, but when I didn't hear from her I had to move on with my plans. And after a shaky end to the conversation I assured her she would still be invited to the wedding and that I was very sorry for any confusion.

Why was Wendy acting this way? Jealousy. Wendy loved to be the center of attention, and she didn't like the fact that I was getting married and she wasn't. And now she was even more upset that she didn't get to be in the bridal party.

Certainly I'm not the first bride to have a jealous friend-and some green-eyed monsters actually make it into the bridal party. Are you worried about a member of yours? Here are some things you can do about it.

See the Signs

Your "bridal instincts" kick in the second you just know that the halter dress will look perfect on you or that deep-purple roses are a must-have for your bouquet, no matter what your mother says. When these gut feelings kick in, use them to your advantage. If you get a bad vibe from a photographer you interview, don't use him. And most importantly, if you get that same vibe from a friend, it might be your sixth sense telling you she won't be a good bridesmaid.

However, if your intuition isn't trustworthy there are signs to help you spot a friend who has potential to become a jealous bridesmaid.

"The first is the cold shoulder," says Dr.

Erik Fisher, author of The Art of Managing Everyday Confl ict. "When this happens, the person who is feeling jealous often pulls away and wants to play the game 'How much do you love me?' The second way jealousy can present itself is when someone tries too hard to prove their worth to the bride. The behaviors between those vying for position can almost become an auction for who is the best friend, or even the best mother.The problem here is when this person does not get what they want they play the martyr saying 'Look at what I've done for you.'"

According to Fisher, by not calling me back, Wendy wanted me to go above and beyond to track her down and basically beg her to be a bridesmaid. This would somehow prove to her how important she is to me and, in turn, my wedding.

If you have a friend or sister who has a history of being a drama queen or has always resented your success, then she has jealousy potential. "One of my bridesmaids got engaged while I was planning my wedding and she turned it into a huge competition," says Marie McArthur* a February 2004 bride from New York.

"Look out for friends who have been treating you badly since you got engaged," warns Sharon Naylor, author of 1000 Best Secrets For Your Perfect Wedding. "If they are leaving you out of plans because 'well, you're engaged so why would you want to come out with us single girls?' There's a green-eyed monster there, so don't invite her into the bridal party."

Communicate Your Concerns

Wendy luckily never penetrated her way into my bridal party, but just by being a guest her jealously created a slight headache for me. This "headache" will only amplify if your questionable guest is a bridesmaid.

As with any relationship communication is key. "Don't let the issues fester," Fisher says. "Talk to the people who seem to have an issue. Let them know that you would like everyone to feel happy, but know that some may not."

It's also important to avoid attacking your bridesmaid. "Make no assumptions, ever," Naylor suggests. "She could be having a hard time at work, in her relationship, in her family, with her health-the problem may not have anything to do with you."

You know your friends and family more than anyone else, so approach them in a way they know they will be able to discuss their feelings without any negative repercussions. "Keep an open door for the people in your wedding party to come and talk to you," Fisher says. "If they do, be careful not to judge and try not to overreact to the issues."

Friendship takes work from both parties and chances are you were there for your bridesmaid at a time when she needed you, so if she chooses to discuss her jealousy with you be sure to point this out, says Rachel Green Baldino, MSW, LCSW and author of The New Age Guide To Loving Simply: Eliminating Drama from Your Intimate Relationships. "While you accept that she feels a certain amount of jealousy, you hope that she will also make the choice, as a good friend, to be happy for you."

Be a Sensitive Bride

As Naylor advises, never jump to any conclusions about your bridesmaid being jealous. Sometimes outside factors can play a role in how she is treating you, so it's important that you try to be as receptive as you can. Just think of how you feel every time you see your groom-to-be glance innocently at another woman-now multiply that jealous tingling by 100 and that may be how your bridesmaid is feeling.

"Some of your friends may be a bit jealous that you are the one to get to the alter first," says Baldino. "Maybe they always imagined they would be the first to get married and now they have to abandon that dream. If you have a jealous friend, put yourself in her shoes and this will enable you to empathize with her plight."

Nip Trouble in the Bud

Sometimes, no matter how open and understanding you are, fighting the green monster is an impossible task. After what Wendy did, there was no way I was going to ask her to be a bridesmaid, and if a bridesmaid's jealous nature gets out of control then there's always the option to ask them to leave the bridal party. "Some people are immature, petty and jealous, and enjoy bringing down the bride," Naylor says. "You can fire her out of your bridal party because she obviously doesn't have your best interests at heart."

"Extreme jealousy can take many forms," Baldino adds. "If jealousy drives her to do anything malicious you have to rethink the overall quality of the friendship. In other words, do you really want someone like that in your life?"

It may be hard to admit to yourself that a person you thought you knew so well is trying to ruin one of the most important days of your life. And chances are if you ask her to step aside, you'll be asking her to step aside from your friendship as well. So be sure this jealously is a hurdle you can't get over before you take it to the ultimate extreme.

Oh, and if you're wondering if Wendy sabotaged my wedding and poured wine on my gown, the answer is no. But she did show up wearing a white dress (a wedding taboo), and left the reception three hours early after complaining that my outdoor cocktail hour was tacky. The day, however, was still wonderful. I had my new husband -and bridesmaids I cherished-to share it with me.

"Look out for friends who have been treating you badly since you got engaged."

- Dr. Erik Fisher

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