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ON THE COVER

When Dori Smith of White Plains, New York, announced to her family that she had moved in with her fiance, John, she expected a certain reaction. The heavy sigh, the exclamation of "Oh Dori, no!," the wringing of the hands-all of these were par for the course. It was the clutching of her heart and collapsing in the chair that were a bit extreme, even for her mother.

Anticipating an unfavorable reaction to their news, the couple initially took measures to hide the move from Dori's family (John's family was considerably more open-minded): The answering machine message was appropriately vague, with the recording listing only a phone number. And because they lived in a condo with public parking, there was never an extra car in the driveway. But they forgot to conceal a certain photograph on the bookshelf.

"Who is this?" Dori's mother asked one day while visiting.

"My grandmother," John responded without thinking. The gig was up. Dori felt relieved. She was an adult, for crying out loud! She'd lived on her own since she left college, owned her own home, and had been (in her own humble opinion) an upstanding member of the community. So she told her mother, with only the slightest quiver in her voice, that she and John loved each other, were planning to get married, and had moved in together the month before.

Sigh, exclamation, heart clutch, collapse.

For Better or Worse?

These days, more than 60 percent of engaged couples choose to live together before tying the knot. Why? Because many believe that being roommates before you're husband and wife better prepares you for marriage. And in some ways it does.

First of all, living together-especially in the Tri-State area-can save you a lot of money, and this becomes even more important when there's a wedding to plan. "Without having to pay for my husband's apartment we were able to save close to $1,000 each month, and this made a considerable dent in our wedding fund," explains Mary Curran of Manahawkin, New Jersey. Aside from saving money, living together can give you a sense of your partner's spending habits-and a chance to deal with them before the big day.

Though money is a major catalyst in unlocking the door to a prenuptial apartment, some couples just want to get used to each other-and test the waters-before they seal the deal. It's common for couples to be disappointed in the day-to-day routine that comes with living together. Amy Koeppl, from West New York, New Jersey, says, "I'd spent every night with Joe before we moved in together; however, after we made the move I came to find out that there were lots of things that I still didn't know about him. Like the way his clothes never seem to make it into the hamper, or that he'll leave dishes in the sink when the dishwasher is two feet away. The first year of marriage is hard enough-and living together gave us the chance to clear up as many hurdles as we could before we said 'I do.'"

Many couples have trouble adjusting to the monotony of living together-a far cry from the excitement of a courtship when both individuals can retire to their own space at the end of the day-and doing it before marriage can help you avoid the pitfalls of coupling up. "Living together can certainly cause a couple to fall into a routine of just watching TV and going to bed. It's important to create rituals-to have a 'date night' once a week, or to set aside an hour every evening for a glass of wine and a one-on-one discussion. This will help the couple maintain the courtship, even if they are living together," says Marie Laguerre-Lewis, a relationship coach with Alma Coaching (608 Harold St.; Mamaroneck, NY; 914-381-3522; marie@almacoaching.com).

Though many couples choose to move in before the wedding, others opt to wait. J.J. of Woodside, New York, explains why she and her husband chose to take their time: "We definitely didn't feel the need to have a 'practice run' before the wedding in order to prove that we would have a stable marriage."

Of course, there's no right or wrong answer. Whatever living situation you and your groom choose is fine. Just make sure it's what you both want, even though you'll probably encounter opposing views from family and friends. And although lying to mom and dad is probably not the best way to avoid conflict, if you are trying to stave off dramatics (at least until you're prepared to answer questions) remember one thing: Keep Grandma's picture in a drawer.

"The Bridal Book" is an advertising service of The Journal News.
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